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ladymarry

sis, pls advice me on proposal
« on: October 23, 2015, 02:55:09 pm »
dear all

i need some advice. my current bf of 1.5 years just proposed to me with a nice ring.
unfortunately the first word that came to my mind is not a resounding "yes".... but "uhm".
i told him i will think abt it over the weekend...

i do like him a lot, and he has been very nice to me.. but i do not know whether i love him. we spent time together only 1.5 yr as a couple and i feel bad, because i am worried that i want to be with him, is not because i love him but because i want to run away from my own household.

i grew up with my parents and 3 siblings. 2 elder sisters and 1 younger brother.
from young, we were a poor household, staying in a v small flat, and sharing everything.
i dont mind being poor. i got used to it. tired but used to it.
but what i really hate was that all my relatives are biased towards my younger bro.

by the time i was born, my family was really disappointed... no sons.
i was the 3rd useless female in the family
my chinese name was given by a fortune teller to bless the family with a son.....
so when my younger bro was born, my whole extended family shower him with love.

while i get hands-me-down from my 2nd sis, who got it from her sis.... my bro got new stuff.
i am not talking just abt female clothes or stuff only female babies can do.... but everything from i remember till now.. bags, books, games...

3 of us sisters and my bro shared a single room...
can u imagine all of us queuing up to use the toilet and to change clothes.... sharing a single phone line to chat with our friends and ask abt homework. whenever my brother need to use toilet, phone or whatsoever, my parents would insist we give in to him.
its tiring.
i remember i was on the phone during olevels to discuss some history stuff, but my parents force me to give it up to my bro.....
and when he is in exam time, everyone has to be quiet and take care of him
as if we didnt take care of him during normal days.

the worst thing that burned my memory is when we visit my grandma....
i will never forget that day even though i was a child.... we went there, and my grandma prepare drumsticks for my brother.
3 of us sisters, none of us get any.... we were given eggs.
EGGS. not even a single piece of meat...
I remember i cried myself to sleep that night, i was wondering why my mum give birth to me.
From that day till now, I have never eaten a drumstick. whenever i see it, i feel like vomitting. i am not kidding abt this  :-[

anyway, fastforward to today... my sisters got married and i finally got my own room, and my brother went to the army, then university where he lived in hostel
i was really happy.. finally i dont have to fight with anyone for toilet or privacy.
now that my bro graduated, my mum and father keep hinting me to MOVE OUT!
i am their daughter... their own flesh and blood.  :-[

luckily my bf is v understanding, he always let me stay over at his home during weekend. he comes from a humble family and stays hdb flat. but i really treasure staying in his room and have my own privacy. his parents are nice to me and their own daughters. i saw how they treat his sister, she is really lucky.

now that he pops the question, i got very worried. Deep down i know i am so sticky to him because i really dont like to stay at my home.... but i am worried i marrying him for the wrong reason.
to be honest, i think im a bit skeptical abt relationship. he is only my 3rd bf... i was never close to any guys coz i got a deep wary of guys.....

I really hate my chinese traditional family. just because my bro is a guy. he gets everything... just because i am a girl, i am to give in to him everything. even now, i have to consider moving out just so that he can have his own room....

girls... should i ignore my fear of marrying him just because i want to move out of my household or should i just say yes to him? =(

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Piglet

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2015, 03:00:13 pm »
I tink you had to grow up la. and be more content. there are ppl that live a much worse life than you in this world.

IF you only wan to marry cos u wan to get out of ur current situation better dun get marry. dun hai ur bf and ur own life

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JFlower

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2015, 03:08:46 pm »
i agree with piglet.

if you are marrying him not because you love him thn better not to.
will only make things tough for the both of you.

marriage is about us not me or you.
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Piglet

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2015, 03:10:15 pm »
and it about the guy family and you family too.


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stupid_donke

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2015, 03:15:14 pm »
IMO its too early to talk married for a 1.5 year rs...  :-\

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littlesotong

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2015, 03:41:10 pm »
dear all sis,

i need some advice. my current bf of 1.5 years just proposed to me with a nice ring.
unfortunately the first word that came to my mind is not a resounding "yes".... but "uhm".
i told him i will think abt it over the weekend...

i do like him a lot, and he has been very nice to me.. but i do not know whether i love him. we spent time together only 1.5 yr as a couple and i feel bad, because i am worried that i want to be with him, is not because i love him but because i want to run away from my own household.

i grew up with my parents and 3 siblings. 2 elder sisters and 1 younger brother.
from young, we were a poor household, staying in a v small flat, and sharing everything.
i dont mind being poor. i got used to it. tired but used to it.
but what i really hate was that all my relatives are biased towards my younger bro.

by the time i was born, my family was really disappointed... no sons.
i was the 3rd useless female in the family
my chinese name was given by a fortune teller to bless the family with a son.....
so when my younger bro was born, my whole extended family shower him with love.

while i get hands-me-down from my 2nd sis, who got it from her sis.... my bro got new stuff.
i am not talking just abt female clothes or stuff only female babies can do.... but everything from i remember till now.. bags, books, games...

3 of us sisters and my bro shared a single room...
can u imagine all of us queuing up to use the toilet and to change clothes.... sharing a single phone line to chat with our friends and ask abt homework. whenever my brother need to use toilet, phone or whatsoever, my parents would insist we give in to him.
its tiring.
i remember i was on the phone during olevels to discuss some history stuff, but my parents force me to give it up to my bro.....
and when he is in exam time, everyone has to be quiet and take care of him
as if we didnt take care of him during normal days.

the worst thing that burned my memory is when we visit my grandma....
i will never forget that day even though i was a child.... we went there, and my grandma prepare drumsticks for my brother.
3 of us sisters, none of us get any.... we were given eggs.
EGGS. not even a single piece of meat...
I remember i cried myself to sleep that night, i was wondering why my mum give birth to me.
From that day till now, I have never eaten a drumstick. whenever i see it, i feel like vomitting. i am not kidding abt this  :-[

anyway, fastforward to today... my sisters got married and i finally got my own room, and my brother went to the army, then university where he lived in hostel
i was really happy.. finally i dont have to fight with anyone for toilet or privacy.
now that my bro graduated, my mum and father keep hinting me to MOVE OUT!
i am their daughter... their own flesh and blood.  :-[

luckily my bf is v understanding, he always let me stay over at his home during weekend. he comes from a humble family and stays hdb flat. but i really treasure staying in his room and have my own privacy. his parents are nice to me and their own daughters. i saw how they treat his sister, she is really lucky.

now that he pops the question, i got very worried. Deep down i know i am so sticky to him because i really dont like to stay at my home.... but i am worried i marrying him for the wrong reason.
to be honest, i think im a bit skeptical abt relationship. he is only my 3rd bf... i was never close to any guys coz i got a deep wary of guys.....

I really hate my chinese traditional family. just because my bro is a guy. he gets everything... just because i am a girl, i am to give in to him everything. even now, i have to consider moving out just so that he can have his own room....

girls... should i ignore my fear of marrying him just because i want to move out of my household or should i just say yes to him?

dearest ladymarry,

i feel like giving you a big tight hug when i read your story. since young, i studied very hard and constantly lived up the high expectations of my parents, only to realize that they (my grandma, uncles and aunties as well) favored my younger brother much more than me, simply because i was a girl and that i came from a traditional chinese family. it didn't help when all of my cousins in my line were males. as a female, i was the only local uni graduate, the rest of the guys including my brother were diploma holders. but no one cared or bothered to ask about my studies back then, simply because i was female. however as i grew older, i began to realize that i am where i am now because of them, so i don't get bothered by such small thoughts. i'm super cool when no one asks about me during chinese new year these days. also good lah, lesser questions to answer, right? :) think positively!

ok i think i digressed.

i personally feel that the fact that you feel unloved as a child in the past led you to construct this emotional barrier towards love and commitment, and possibly created the feelings of distrust that you mentioned in your post. i have to admit that i face same kind of emotional barrier as you do and i know that such emotional barriers can be really disruptive and can cause a negative impact on one's relationship. but it's just so hard to break these walls.

for your case, i can see that your current relationship seems to be working out fine but now everything is coming to an abrupt halt after he popped the question. why? becoz of the emotional barrier i was talking about. such barriers stir up emotional turmoil and feelings of confusion whenever the relationship seems to be peaceful or when the topic of commitment comes about.

my advice would be to be frank with your bf about your psychological barrier, and if he loves you, he will wait and give you ample reassurance. if he's impatient, then let him go. time will tell whether its meant to be or not meant to be. PM me if you need someone to talk to.

again, *big tight hug*
chronicles of a baby sotong & the deep sea diver

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PikAgasm

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2015, 03:55:03 pm »
Please only marry him if you love him and intend to spend the rest of your life with him and not other lousy reasons!  :(

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Piglet

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2015, 04:01:29 pm »
maybe you should move out and stay on ur own if you can afford it. regardless how much unfair treatment you get from ur parent, they are still your parent if not for them you will not be here.

Envy and jealousy can be a form of poison that stop you from getting you happiness. As you will always be envy and jealous of ppl you feel that are better than you. and keep on keep these unhappy memory with you is harmful too.

you need to let it go. and please like I say dun marry if you dun love him. end up you hai a gd guy and hai urself.

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portinari

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2015, 04:55:03 pm »
dearest ladymarry,

i feel like giving you a big tight hug when i read your story. since young, i studied very hard and constantly lived up the high expectations of my parents, only to realize that they (my grandma, uncles and aunties as well) favored my younger brother much more than me, simply because i was a girl and that i came from a traditional chinese family. it didn't help when all of my cousins in my line were males. as a female, i was the only local uni graduate, the rest of the guys including my brother were diploma holders. but no one cared or bothered to ask about my studies back then, simply because i was female. however as i grew older, i began to realize that i am where i am now because of them, so i don't get bothered by such small thoughts. i'm super cool when no one asks about me during chinese new year these days. also good lah, lesser questions to answer, right? :) think positively!

ok i think i digressed.

i personally feel that the fact that you feel unloved as a child in the past led you to construct this emotional barrier towards love and commitment, and possibly created the feelings of distrust that you mentioned in your post. i have to admit that i face same kind of emotional barrier as you do and i know that such emotional barriers can be really disruptive and can cause a negative impact on one's relationship. but it's just so hard to break these walls.

for your case, i can see that your current relationship seems to be working out fine but now everything is coming to an abrupt halt after he popped the question. why? becoz of the emotional barrier i was talking about. such barriers stir up emotional turmoil and feelings of confusion whenever the relationship seems to be peaceful or when the topic of commitment comes about.

my advice would be to be frank with your bf about your psychological barrier, and if he loves you, he will wait and give you ample reassurance. if he's impatient, then let him go. time will tell whether its meant to be or not meant to be. PM me if you need someone to talk to.

again, *big tight hug*

sadly common in traditional families. about time for change.

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ladymarry

Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2015, 05:07:16 pm »
dearest ladymarry,

i feel like giving you a big tight hug when i read your story. since young, i studied very hard and constantly lived up the high expectations of my parents, only to realize that they (my grandma, uncles and aunties as well) favored my younger brother much more than me, simply because i was a girl and that i came from a traditional chinese family. it didn't help when all of my cousins in my line were males. as a female, i was the only local uni graduate, the rest of the guys including my brother were diploma holders. but no one cared or bothered to ask about my studies back then, simply because i was female. however as i grew older, i began to realize that i am where i am now because of them, so i don't get bothered by such small thoughts. i'm super cool when no one asks about me during chinese new year these days. also good lah, lesser questions to answer, right? :) think positively!

ok i think i digressed.

i personally feel that the fact that you feel unloved as a child in the past led you to construct this emotional barrier towards love and commitment, and possibly created the feelings of distrust that you mentioned in your post. i have to admit that i face same kind of emotional barrier as you do and i know that such emotional barriers can be really disruptive and can cause a negative impact on one's relationship. but it's just so hard to break these walls.

for your case, i can see that your current relationship seems to be working out fine but now everything is coming to an abrupt halt after he popped the question. why? becoz of the emotional barrier i was talking about. such barriers stir up emotional turmoil and feelings of confusion whenever the relationship seems to be peaceful or when the topic of commitment comes about.

my advice would be to be frank with your bf about your psychological barrier, and if he loves you, he will wait and give you ample reassurance. if he's impatient, then let him go. time will tell whether its meant to be or not meant to be. PM me if you need someone to talk to.

again, *big tight hug*

omg. i was very depressed when i read the other users' replies... its like all the faults are me again..
its always my fault. i dont even know what to think. i tot of deleting this thread and just live it 1 day at a time.

yes i am very worried i am not being true to him and myself.
i do like him. i just dont know what is love. when i see my classmates talking abt how they love their bf, i feel like asking them, what is love? how do u feel love.

i never felt love before, i cant tell u what is love.
and i am worried i would be a very bad mother.......  >:(

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ladymarry

Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2015, 05:12:19 pm »
dearest ladymarry,

i feel like giving you a big tight hug when i read your story. since young, i studied very hard and constantly lived up the high expectations of my parents, only to realize that they (my grandma, uncles and aunties as well) favored my younger brother much more than me, simply because i was a girl and that i came from a traditional chinese family. it didn't help when all of my cousins in my line were males. as a female, i was the only local uni graduate, the rest of the guys including my brother were diploma holders. but no one cared or bothered to ask about my studies back then, simply because i was female. however as i grew older, i began to realize that i am where i am now because of them, so i don't get bothered by such small thoughts. i'm super cool when no one asks about me during chinese new year these days. also good lah, lesser questions to answer, right? :) think positively!

ok i think i digressed.

i personally feel that the fact that you feel unloved as a child in the past led you to construct this emotional barrier towards love and commitment, and possibly created the feelings of distrust that you mentioned in your post. i have to admit that i face same kind of emotional barrier as you do and i know that such emotional barriers can be really disruptive and can cause a negative impact on one's relationship. but it's just so hard to break these walls.

for your case, i can see that your current relationship seems to be working out fine but now everything is coming to an abrupt halt after he popped the question. why? becoz of the emotional barrier i was talking about. such barriers stir up emotional turmoil and feelings of confusion whenever the relationship seems to be peaceful or when the topic of commitment comes about.

my advice would be to be frank with your bf about your psychological barrier, and if he loves you, he will wait and give you ample reassurance. if he's impatient, then let him go. time will tell whether its meant to be or not meant to be. PM me if you need someone to talk to.

again, *big tight hug*

can i pls ask u.... are u happily attached or married? u seems like a v happy person.

i really dont understand. this is singapore. why so difficult to live as a woman
even now 2015, we got guys who keep saying us girls.
i was shocked at the amount of hatred online. :(

singapore is not much different from india in the way we are treated

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Piglet

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2015, 05:25:09 pm »
if it in India you will be worse off, my dear girl. if you keep having such thinking. you will not be happy forever. even if you had a great BF.

I also feel I am unloved in the family too. but I dun had thinking like ur. my brother also the only son, the only son that can carry on the family name ok. he is pamper and love too by the whole family. all the family asset will be his. I still dote on him, as I am his sister and I only had this brother beside my elder sister.

If you dun let go of such neg feeling, nothing will change.

we are lucky to be born in Singapore where woman is fully protected by law(sometime I feel overly protected). We can received education. We can walk on equal with guy. And we will not be rob of a chance to live cos we are female like in India and China
« Last Edit: October 23, 2015, 05:33:55 pm by Piglet »

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JFlower

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2015, 05:45:48 pm »
omg. i was very depressed when i read the other users' replies... its like all the faults are me again..
its always my fault. i dont even know what to think. i tot of deleting this thread and just live it 1 day at a time.

yes i am very worried i am not being true to him and myself.
i do like him. i just dont know what is love. when i see my classmates talking abt how they love their bf, i feel like asking them, what is love? how do u feel love.

i never felt love before, i cant tell u what is love.
and i am worried i would be a very bad mother.......  >:(

no one is blaming you my dear :)

we just do not want you making a decision that might end up hurting both you and your bf.

but the fact you hesitated when he propose is something to consider about.
Losing faith

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Piglet

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2015, 05:50:23 pm »
I am too nasty in using my word??

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Piglet

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Re: sis, pls advice me on proposal
« Reply #14 on: October 23, 2015, 05:54:22 pm »
ask urself this,
Do you feel safe when you are with him?
Do you miss him when he is not around?
If he does not contract you, will you go contract him?

if any ans is NO, I dun think you love him at all