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Whylikethat

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Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« on: June 09, 2016, 10:28:58 am »
Hello everyone, I need some advise here. Me and gf have known each other for 13 years n loved each other for the past 5 years. Supposed to get married end of this year and just got our house keys. We both just changed job this feb and for her is a little stressful.

One month back I caught her texting a colleague a little more than friends. Nth explicit but a little flirtatious from the guys text and she played along. They knew each other for 2 months and been texting a lot cuz they have a lot in common. When I found out I confronted her and she confessed that She kind of accidentally crossed the line between friends and more than that.

So right now she is very confuse on the whole thing. On one hand she still love me cuz we r in a stable relationship and have been thru a lot together, on the other hand she is confuse on why she love me and She still allowed her heart to stray.

We have talked, cried, quarreled and discussed . Currently she is trying her best to forget whatever that happens and trying to use her heart and brain to think logically on what happen and go back to how we were supposed to be. She admitted her mistake and regret and doesn't want to break up. but she say she needs a bit of time to sort herself out too.

But being the betrayed one, I felt distraught and dissappointed. I can't concentrate properly. Every night i will question her on the situation and she will get frustrated. She explained that she is trying her best to forget that guy and concentrate on me but I always have to bring the issue up. She will apologise for being frustrated after that and we will be fine after. But whenever I go work , a lot of thoughts comes into my mind. Like what if she doesn't change, what if shes still lying to me, too many what ifs. I m someone who needs lots of assurance but she is someone who is more less vocal. So there's a small mismatch here.

We r still staying together and see eachother everyday. Anyone been thru such situation and created a stronger relationship? Or such situation always ends bad.

Pls help.

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beaverjuice

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2016, 11:52:10 am »
Hello everyone, I need some advise here. Me and gf have known each other for 13 years n loved each other for the past 5 years. Supposed to get married end of this year and just got our house keys. We both just changed job this feb and for her is a little stressful.

One month back I caught her texting a colleague a little more than friends. Nth explicit but a little flirtatious from the guys text and she played along. They knew each other for 2 months and been texting a lot cuz they have a lot in common. When I found out I confronted her and she confessed that She kind of accidentally crossed the line between friends and more than that.

So right now she is very confuse on the whole thing. On one hand she still love me cuz we r in a stable relationship and have been thru a lot together, on the other hand she is confuse on why she love me and She still allowed her heart to stray.

We have talked, cried, quarreled and discussed . Currently she is trying her best to forget whatever that happens and trying to use her heart and brain to think logically on what happen and go back to how we were supposed to be. She admitted her mistake and regret and doesn't want to break up. but she say she needs a bit of time to sort herself out too.

But being the betrayed one, I felt distraught and dissappointed. I can't concentrate properly. Every night i will question her on the situation and she will get frustrated. She explained that she is trying her best to forget that guy and concentrate on me but I always have to bring the issue up. She will apologise for being frustrated after that and we will be fine after. But whenever I go work , a lot of thoughts comes into my mind. Like what if she doesn't change, what if shes still lying to me, too many what ifs. I m someone who needs lots of assurance but she is someone who is more less vocal. So there's a small mismatch here.

We r still staying together and see eachother everyday. Anyone been thru such situation and created a stronger relationship? Or such situation always ends bad.

Pls help.

dear whylikethat,

how do you deal with betrayal?  you learn to forgive.

forgiving means moving forward from where you are now.

the truth is that you cannot return to the point pre-betrayal.  anyone seeking to do that is bound to fail.  only you can choose to move forward and heal.

for you to move forward,  the relationship needs to heal.

healing is underpinned by closure.

it takes 2-hands to clap - likewise closure.

what has your galfren done to help you find closure and forgiveness?

may the truth set your mind free.

wishing you well.
uncle bj

PS:  take the house out of the equation.  it is just 4 walls and is not a foundation for marriage.
"A man who has depths in his shame meets his destiny and his delicate decisions upon paths which few ever reach."

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beaverjuice

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2016, 11:58:27 am »
women cheat for many reasons, foremost is the lack of validation in their existing relationships.

women stay in the relationship for many reasons,  foremost is the fear of the unknown and gratitude/responsibility.

question is:  what are you bound by?
"A man who has depths in his shame meets his destiny and his delicate decisions upon paths which few ever reach."

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Whylikethat

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2016, 12:01:19 pm »
women cheat for many reasons, foremost is the lack of validation in their existing relationships.

women stay in the relationship for many reasons,  foremost is the fear of the unknown and gratitude/responsibility.

question is:  what are you bound by?

I m sorry but don't get this. :(


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beaverjuice

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2016, 12:28:43 pm »
I m sorry but don't get this. :(

don't be hoodwinked by romanticism ..... are you in love with love or with the person?
"A man who has depths in his shame meets his destiny and his delicate decisions upon paths which few ever reach."

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Whylikethat

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2016, 02:40:41 pm »
don't be hoodwinked by romanticism ..... are you in love with love or with the person?

I m very sure I am in love with the person. I m not someone who is into romanticism haha.

I am well aware of the reason on why she did what she did. As I try to rebuilt our relationship, she also stated that she wants to sort it out and rebuilt our relationship. But I just dunno if I can heal and trust again. If nt it will be very unhealthy for me and the relationship.

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beaverjuice

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2016, 06:27:17 pm »
I m very sure I am in love with the person. I m not someone who is into romanticism haha.

I am well aware of the reason on why she did what she did. As I try to rebuilt our relationship, she also stated that she wants to sort it out and rebuilt our relationship. But I just dunno if I can heal and trust again. If nt it will be very unhealthy for me and the relationship.

What does she mean by "sort-it-out" ?  As in a cooling period?

Is this your first serious r/s?
"A man who has depths in his shame meets his destiny and his delicate decisions upon paths which few ever reach."

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happyshar

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2016, 11:31:47 pm »
u can detach n observe first.
that's the most rational wat to evaluate the next step.
没有心,就不会痛 😉

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nomnom

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2016, 10:05:33 pm »
Well, if you guys decided to be together again, i think the next best thing is to forget the past and concentrate on "enjoying" each other again and see how you guys can go from here.
It is no point crying over spilled milk. I guess you guys already know the reason for the stray.
The purpose of the knowing the reason for the stray, is not to bear grudges on what happened. It is more for, to pre-empt the same thing from happening again.
If you can't forgive her, then its better to make a clean break. Of course, its easier to say than done.

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Whylikethat

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2016, 06:44:11 pm »
Bj: my 2nd, 5 years together, first time quarrel. Wish it was just a simple quarrel and we can make up and just move on. Sort out as in let her wake up her own idea on why she even do such thing.

Happyshar: abit hard to detach, we stay together. My house very near her house. I move back to my parents place will be super inconvenient.

Nomnom: u r right. I am trying. But so difficult. :(
Everyday mind is just too paranoid. Keep thinking and thinking :/




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nomnom

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2016, 08:55:36 pm »
Bj: my 2nd, 5 years together, first time quarrel. Wish it was just a simple quarrel and we can make up and just move on. Sort out as in let her wake up her own idea on why she even do such thing.

Happyshar: abit hard to detach, we stay together. My house very near her house. I move back to my parents place will be super inconvenient.

Nomnom: u r right. I am trying. But so difficult. :(
Everyday mind is just too paranoid. Keep thinking and thinking :/

Why are you paranoid? Are you scared that she will leave you again?
But the more you become paranoid, the more you are going to push her away.
If you are scared that she will leave you, then try to calm yourself down first. I would advise not to talk about the past anymore. Instead, concentrate on how to make your relationship better from now on.

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beaverjuice

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2016, 09:17:10 pm »
Bj: my 2nd, 5 years together, first time quarrel. Wish it was just a simple quarrel and we can make up and just move on. Sort out as in let her wake up her own idea on why she even do such thing.

Happyshar: abit hard to detach, we stay together. My house very near her house. I move back to my parents place will be super inconvenient.

Nomnom: u r right. I am trying. But so difficult. :(
Everyday mind is just too paranoid. Keep thinking and thinking :/

Sometimes sh!t happens for no rhyme or reason.

Most times people grow out of their relationships - the relationship might have been right then, but now it isn't.

believe me - if you can't deal with betrayal, maybe you just ain't ready.  some relationships will test you in many ways. 

women stray not because of sex, but communication or lack thereof.
"A man who has depths in his shame meets his destiny and his delicate decisions upon paths which few ever reach."

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tauhuay

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2016, 11:09:01 am »
The guy just wants to fiddle her

Ask her to wake up. He never promise to marry her, unlike u

Tell her don't cheapen herself

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beaverjuice

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #13 on: June 20, 2016, 12:25:43 pm »
The guy just wants to fiddle her

Ask her to wake up. He never promise to marry her, unlike u

Tell her don't cheapen herself

But .... but .... but .... the question to ask is whether she is ready to marry TS also mah?!!!  :-X
"A man who has depths in his shame meets his destiny and his delicate decisions upon paths which few ever reach."

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poo42

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Re: Help! How to rebuilt the relationship after betrayal.
« Reply #14 on: June 21, 2016, 05:50:49 pm »
@Whylikethat Postpone the wedding. Give yourselves abit more time to sort things out. No point getting into all the legal tangle just becos of a house.

Why don't the 2 of u start dating each other again, get to know each other again.

In the 5 years together, you might have grown apart or either of you have grown to become someone different.

Take the time to sort things out and decide if marriage is the ultimate goal or you guys are better off as friends.