*

happyshar

  • ****
  • Senior Petal
  • 3288 20
    • View Profile
always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« on: December 05, 2015, 02:14:45 pm »
like if he wants me to get insured.. I have to get it after incessant nagging.. though it's for my own gd. and I did get it in the end.

if he wants me to cycle with him den I have to buy a new bike .. but he's not comfortable with me dragging purchase to find a design I like. (i have bought one few months ago due to his chasing and cz I bought on impulse the bike does not fit my frame I resold at a loss. now he's bugging me to buy again)

and den if he n his family go overseas. he will be angry if I didn't go with him n I dun have the freedom of choice to choose even if I'm paying for my own tics?

I find it quite ridiculous.

I mean do you guys do these too.. hving to tag along travelling for countries u dun want to visit just to accompany ur so? den going by the family planning even if u dun prefer to do these activities.

I'm so not used to all these for long and I have had the abundance of freedom when I'm in my own family for 20 over yrs. whether to buy thgs or NOT. whether to go trips tgt or NOT. even if it were a sponsored trip I have the freedom to choose whether to go. nw if it's nt sponsored I should hv freedom of choice also right?
« Last Edit: December 05, 2015, 02:24:55 pm by happyshar »
没有心,就不会痛 😉

*

beaverjuice

  • *****
  • Global Moderator
  • 10814 26
  • Road to Perdition
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2015, 02:32:22 pm »
You have the right to excercise your choice responsibly and within reason .... 

Errrrmmmm .... why don't you let him know that you are unhappy following his lead? ???
"A man who has depths in his shame meets his destiny and his delicate decisions upon paths which few ever reach."

*

happyshar

  • ****
  • Senior Petal
  • 3288 20
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2015, 02:36:27 pm »
You have the right to excercise your choice responsibly and within reason .... 

Errrrmmmm .... why don't you let him know that you are unhappy following his lead? ???

I told him many times le n we quarrel many times...but this kinda things kip recurring. he always have justification for y I should follow because his reasoning is correct n logical.

and I always give in after long time coz of the nagging.

I think has to do with different family culture ba.

« Last Edit: December 05, 2015, 02:43:26 pm by happyshar »
没有心,就不会痛 😉

*

FatNeko

  • ****
  • Senior Petal
  • 1044 9
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2015, 03:04:08 pm »
Next time married liao will have a new set of situation and nagging....

wedding dinner follow his family preference
apply house also follow his preference
house renovation design also have to follow his command
visit your family must also depends on his mood
having boy or girl that is against his wish also kena blame
his family wanted u to put a certain amount of soy sauce


*

happyshar

  • ****
  • Senior Petal
  • 3288 20
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2015, 03:05:33 pm »
Next time married liao will have a new set of situation and nagging....

wedding dinner follow his family preference
apply house also follow his preference
house renovation design also have to follow his command
visit your family must also depends on his mood
having boy or girl that is against his wish also kena blame
his family wanted u to put a certain amount of soy sauce

seriously the housing part he already made a decision without my consent and only informing me.

we shall not go into that.
没有心,就不会痛 😉

*

littlesotong

  • ***
  • Petal
  • 465 14
  • #include <stdio.h>
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2015, 03:42:21 pm »
@happyshar

seriously i dont like the way he pressurize u to get a bike leh. tell him to be less selfish and communicate things properly to you whenever he wants to make a major decision. respect and open communication are keys for any relationship. you two are each other's copilot in life if u choose to settle down with each other. on a side note, if u really think that he's not the one for u, back out of the house asap before its too late.
chronicles of a baby sotong & the deep sea diver

*

nomnom

  • ****
  • Senior Petal
  • 1397 10
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2015, 04:52:03 pm »
Until now, i haven't experienced those things that you said.

One should not give in due to nagging. Give in only when you feel its for your own good.

If you think he is not the right guy for you to marry, it is better to break off now.

*

beaverjuice

  • *****
  • Global Moderator
  • 10814 26
  • Road to Perdition
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2015, 05:27:58 pm »
I told him many times le n we quarrel many times...but this kinda things kip recurring. he always have justification for y I should follow because his reasoning is correct n logical.

and I always give in after long time coz of the nagging.

I think has to do with different family culture ba.

I think you really need to HTH talk with him lorrrrr .... 

Maybe he thinks that you're giving in because you see his logical reasoning but not because you accept the decision. Remember compromise vs accept - like i always say is like a stretched rubberband that snaps eventually.

You're a free-spirit dear, operating by your own rules.  Going against the grain of your nature. I know enough not to change the nature of someone ....

Bottomline is respect for each other's opinions ....
« Last Edit: December 05, 2015, 05:33:02 pm by beaverjuice »
"A man who has depths in his shame meets his destiny and his delicate decisions upon paths which few ever reach."

*

focus

  • ***
  • Petal
  • 394 2
  • #input [int]
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #8 on: December 05, 2015, 06:20:32 pm »
I agree that respect should be the bottom line of a relationship.

If he's always insisting that you follow his lead when you've already voiced out your objection, then I'd think he may not even be listening to what you have to say or have said?

Relationship is also about compromising. Taking turns to make some decisions can be one way. Like this year she decides where they travel for hols and next year he decides etc. Or making decision based on who's better at that area. She knows where the cheapest deal is when it comes to buying apples or he knows where the best deal when it comes to something something etc.

From what's mentioned, that kind of decision making is rather one sided. It's logical I guess if its towards father to child kind of thing when the child doesn't know whats good for her yet.

Sometimes giving in is not about who's right and who's more logical or whatever, its about letting the other half know that her or his opinion is heard.

If I'm always the one making decisions, I will feel sian lah..no surprises to look forward to. Too much of anything isn't always pleasant.
if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its life forever thinking its [fill in the blank]

*

beaverjuice

  • *****
  • Global Moderator
  • 10814 26
  • Road to Perdition
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2015, 06:33:28 pm »
unless of course you prefer that he takes the lead in the relationship and you're content with being a passive partner .... but i think not in your case since you have your own ideas or opinions as to how things are done.

debates within a relationship is healthy - not everything has to be a "compromise" especially if you think that keeping silent is a form of "compromise" .... it is not.

In any case, acceptance is better than compromise ... compromise comes back to bite one's ass


Having read your posts again - besides respecting your opinions, he doesn't seem to be listening ....  which i think he should be put on a course to learn "reflective-listening" :P .... and if he is highly opinionated and has a "God-complex" ... you really need to evaluate this relationship
« Last Edit: December 05, 2015, 06:42:11 pm by beaverjuice »
"A man who has depths in his shame meets his destiny and his delicate decisions upon paths which few ever reach."

*

focus

  • ***
  • Petal
  • 394 2
  • #input [int]
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #10 on: December 05, 2015, 07:14:13 pm »
debates within a relationship is healthy - not everything has to be a "compromise" especially if you think that keeping silent is a form of "compromise" .... it is not.

In any case, acceptance is better than compromise ... compromise comes back to bite one's ass

Accepting the decision he make and compromising one's ability to disagree and go with the flow, the former sounds like what you'll get in utopia.

As long as one has an opinion, there isn't really acceptance to begin with.
if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its life forever thinking its [fill in the blank]

*

nomnom

  • ****
  • Senior Petal
  • 1397 10
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #11 on: December 05, 2015, 08:33:33 pm »
@happyshar do you exercise regularly? Or too lazy to exercise?
Hows your relationship with his family members?
How often do you meet him?
Are you always passive in watever thing you do whenever you are with him?
Is there anything that you also die die want him to do together with you?

I am just kaypoh niah...

*

happyshar

  • ****
  • Senior Petal
  • 3288 20
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2015, 09:23:59 pm »
I agree that respect should be the bottom line of a relationship.

If he's always insisting that you follow his lead when you've already voiced out your objection, then I'd think he may not even be listening to what you have to say or have said?

Relationship is also about compromising. Taking turns to make some decisions can be one way. Like this year she decides where they travel for hols and next year he decides etc. Or making decision based on who's better at that area. She knows where the cheapest deal is when it comes to buying apples or he knows where the best deal when it comes to something something etc.

From what's mentioned, that kind of decision making is rather one sided. It's logical I guess if its towards father to child kind of thing when the child doesn't know whats good for her yet.

Sometimes giving in is not about who's right and who's more logical or whatever, its about letting the other half know that her or his opinion is heard.

If I'm always the one making decisions, I will feel sian lah..no surprises to look forward to. Too much of anything isn't always pleasant.

he tell me for him buying a bike if to accompany him is just can buy any cheap n functional bike I see and suit me..den we r gd to cycle.

for me I buy a bike.. dun look at cheap or exp first. if it has to occupy a few tiles in my house for at least a year or two it must look good..must suit my frame and comfortable.. hv gears.. blabla and bla..

first I bought one on impulse due to incessant nagging.. after that can't suit n uncomfortable resold at loss.. before Sold off a bike did catch my eyes and I want it but too bad calling several retailer oso dun hv. but I die die wan that bike. end up dragged few months oso no find.. den he sae I nv make any effort to find a bike.

and he keeps saying I shopping can buy so many stuffs but buy a bike stuck there few months. and also insisting bike functional can ride with him cheap cheap can liao.
没有心,就不会痛 😉

*

happyshar

  • ****
  • Senior Petal
  • 3288 20
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2015, 09:31:46 pm »
unless of course you prefer that he takes the lead in the relationship and you're content with being a passive partner .... but i think not in your case since you have your own ideas or opinions as to how things are done.

debates within a relationship is healthy - not everything has to be a "compromise" especially if you think that keeping silent is a form of "compromise" .... it is not.

In any case, acceptance is better than compromise ... compromise comes back to bite one's ass


Having read your posts again - besides respecting your opinions, he doesn't seem to be listening ....  which i think he should be put on a course to learn "reflective-listening" :P .... and if he is highly opinionated and has a "God-complex" ... you really need to evaluate this relationship

he listens. but if he find no logic den he will keep saying. for e.g. if I told him that first buying criteria is aesthetics of the bike. if pass den start looking at other aspects of the bike. he sae dat logically everyone buy bike only look at the specs not look at the aesthetics but I told him I'm the buyer
没有心,就不会痛 😉

*

happyshar

  • ****
  • Senior Petal
  • 3288 20
    • View Profile
Re: always in conflict w so over freedom of choice
« Reply #14 on: December 05, 2015, 09:36:50 pm »
@happyshar do you exercise regularly? Or too lazy to exercise?
Hows your relationship with his family members?
How often do you meet him?
Are you always passive in watever thing you do whenever you are with him?
Is there anything that you also die die want him to do together with you?

I am just kaypoh niah...

seldom exercise.
good r/s
twice a week
yes I'm quite passive.
die die want to do got but I wanted do alone. he is worried abt me so he went with me
没有心,就不会痛 😉